Written by Trill Withers (@TylerIAm)
My friends at the Chicken Social were kind enough to allow me to write on their website. The subject? Why your favorite movie is trash. As a hobby of mine is ruining things you once thought were #good and informing you that they are in fact #bad, this was right up my alley. Without further ado, “The Dark Knight Rises” is trash and here are 10 reasons why.
- Batman had a compound fracture of his back when Bane fucked him up. He fixed it with seven pushups a day, some yoga and a little Crossfit. HOW?
That old man punched Batman in the back and it was all good. In reality, that probably should have paralyzed him for life. So next time you see somebody with a compound fracture, just punch it. A punch in the back, some good sleep on a prison bed and 14 jumping jacks and you good to go.
- How did blowing up the stadium kill everybody but Hines Ward?
Hines Ward ran a 6.3 forty yard dash in his prime and outran an entire stadium being blown to smithereens. Yeah aight nigga. This why I feel every movie with any kind of sports scene needs someone to run the sports scene by (i.e., ME). We could have avoided this catastrophe with a simple conversation:
“We’re going to have Hines Ward outrun a bomb”
“Nah, that’s no good. Folks won’t buy that”
“He’s a football player, I think he could do it”
“When’s the last time you watched the Steelers?”
“The who now?”
“Exactly, Ward is slow as fuck. At least get Mike Wallace”
“I think we’re done here”
(ed. note: to make matters worse, LOOK WHO’S STANDING NEXT TO HINES WARD IN THE SCREENCAP! It’s Mike Wallace, if you’re uninitiated. Moving on)
- Nobody noticed Batman and Bruce Wayne disappeared at the same time?
“The Batman was blown to bits over the Gotham River on August 2nd. In completely unrelated news, eccentric billionaire Bruce Wayne hasn’t been since August 1st. Weird. Here’s Chuck with sports….”
Also, at the beginning of the film, nobody noticed that Bruce Wayne and Batman have both been out of the spotlight for EIGHT YEARS? Nobody noticed?
- Batman went to the doctor and was all fucked up bruh
Batman had a concussion, a torn labrum, plantar fasciitis and arthritis. They gave him a knee brace that let him kick through the wall and he was good as new. We watch football every week and see the effects concussions have. Luke Kuechly had one and missed a month of ball. Batman had one and was fighting Bane the same week. Aight.
- How Batman walk back from the desert to Gotham?
He ain’t even catch an Uber, he broke. He got no wallet and I imagine he doesn’t even know what an Uber is, as Alfred has always handled that kind of thing for him. It’s snowing in Gotham, but Batman in the desert so you know they’re pretty far away geographically. He’s also in terrible physical condition having just recovered from a broken back and being in PRISON. I need answers.
- Alfred thought Bruce Wayne was dead, saw him at IHOP in France and just nodded at him?
He raised Bruce since birth and thought he was dead. Saw him out and about and was like “Oh you still living, that’s whatsup”. Also, how did nobody recognize him? I might not recognize the CEO of Samsung or some shit out at lunch but somebody would. And that somebody would have a cell phone and that picture would be everywhere.
- Why Gordon send every cop in the city to one place?
Underground at that, a place known for pizza eating rats and other treachery? This is a pretty big city so having all of your resources in one place, especially one where you don’t know what’s going on, seems short sighted.
- Where Catwoman get that suit?
She steal that too? She goes from poor criminal to crime fighter in like two weeks and has a suit fit specifically to her dimensions? Word?
- The scene where all the police confront all Bane’s men always irked me
The police just run right at Bane’s men who all have machine guns. They get mowed down to no one’s surprise. And the police keep on running and keep on getting mowed the fuck down. I don’t mind the police fighting the bad guys, but damn can they regroup so dozens of men aren’t shot down due to poor planning?
- Batman got horrible taste in women
It’s been three movies and he ain’t found love yet. I haven’t either, but I also haven’t been robbed by a woman and set up to be killed by another in the course of like 2 hours (knock on wood). That’s not really a plot hole, it just bothered me. Plenty billionaires seem to avoid this fate but not ol’ Brucey boy. He finally settles with a woman that robbed his home the first time they met. Love at first sight.
There’s a hundred more, these are just the ones that stuck out most to me. Remember, you can still enjoy not good things. I watch this movie every time it’s on, but I won’t kid myself that its good cinema and you shouldn’t either. Have a good day.